So I just got back from a short holiday in Florida, and it was lovely and sad all at once. I got to see my three grandchildren which was why I went in the first place. Seeing their happy smiling faces was absolutely wonderful. I picked my daughter and the children up in Orlando and then drove down to Hollywood Florida so that I could see my Mum. The weather was picture perfect so we all had a great time at the beach. The sad part was realizing how so many things had changed yet remained the same. An incident happened with my Mom and Dad that made me realize that although they loved me they still consider me the irresponsible screw-up, and after only 24 hours my daughter and I were snipping at each other; we had been getting along so well this past year that I had great hopes that we were finally past all the BS that had been going on before. But no….old hurts and resentments made their way to the surface rather quickly! She is still so mad that I left Florida, which wouldn’t be so bad except that she is only upset because I’m not there to provide free babysitting services. And even though I’ve sent her money and tons of things for the children she got very quickly on the hump when I bought the fella’s children some small souvenirs. So I’ve come to realize a couple of things; it doesn’t matter how much I do for her, it will never be enough. And she really isn’t concerned with my happiness because she herself isn’t happy. Wow, just reading that I feel sad. I mean really how much time do we spend trying to please other people in our lives just to always be told it isn’t enough. So on the plane home I started to really think about a situation that is ongoing in my life at this moment and it is almost De Ge Vu. As I had mentioned before the fella has two young daughters, and for the past two years I have been giving my time and energies to them freely but two weeks ago it came out that the younger daughter has been playing both sides of the fence so to speak. When I entered her life I started to doing things with her, because she kept saying how her mother ignored her and didn’t do things with her. Turns out that every time she went back to her ’Mums’ house ’ she did nothing but talk badly about me and told her mum that I bossed her about and was trying to be her “Mum”; Talk about a kick in the teeth! But when this all came about I first thought you know she is only ten and she is caught up in this ugly situation between her parents. Basically putting it down to her trying to cozy up to her Mum by trashing me. The fella and I talked to her and she was all tears and I’m sorry, and we made the family decision that from here on out there would be open communication between the two houses so no more of this “she said, she said” business. But now I’m just wondering if I’m not setting myself up for great disappointments down the road. The reality is that I love my fiance and he loves me, that is a given. Out of the complete mess that we both had in our lives we have created a strong and loving bond. His older daughter who has Downs Syndrome accepts and loves me completely and that is in part because she has no guile or dishonesty in her. She see’s things in black and white, basically I make her Daddy and her happy and that is all that matters to her. In fact that is a post all on its own as living with her has opened my eyes to a lot of things in the human character. But with the younger daughter she is so easily swayed back and forth; I have no doubt that she loves me and loves the family that we have created. But I’m afraid that she will end up like my daughter and her older half-sister only interested in how things affect them. Always wanting things to be about them and not having any trouble at all switching from one side to another in order to get what they want. Then not accepting responsiblity for the chaos they create. So now here is the quandary, I’ve started pulling away from the child because I do not want to get hurt. I look at all the drama that I have with my daughter and then see how the fella raised his step daughter for 13 years and then she turned around and spit in his face and wonder what I’m setting myself up for here. And of course when talk to him he wants me to keep on giving, though God bless him he at least respects that I have a point.
So I was able to go home and most of it was lovely, but it did make me face some hard facts about what is going on in my life at this moment. So the best I’ve been able to come up with now is that I still have to prove to my Mum that this was the right move from me. And the only way to do that is to keep on succeeding, because that is what I have been doing for the past two years. with my daughter I can only accept that she is what she is and no matter, I love her to death, though we really do better with a few states separating us! And with the situation with the fella’s daughter…well that is still a work in progress. for at this time I really do not know what to do. It isn’t in my character to not give 100% , yet I’m not willing to set myself up for hurt and disappointment. Got some pondering to do I think.
May all that find this be blessed in their lives as I have been!
